I missed my other half so much!

I saw her. At last. After almost three months, I saw her again today. My cousin who's been one of my closest companions back in high school. She's like my other half. She visited me at school today (good thing we had our 3-hour break). She still has that same aura. Same long hair, same height, same delicate eyes, same dimpled smile, same fashion statement (shirt, pants, havaianas and her esprit bag), same soft voice and same familiar scent...the only change that I saw in her is the first thing I've noticed when she arrived...her nail polish. My cousin wears nail polish! What a sight! haha..It's not like she can't paint her toes, it's just that I'm not used to it. I've never seen her with colored toe nails before. Well, it's just a teeny bit of detail that I suddenly noticed out of the corner of my eye.

We met twenty minutes before my next class. She texted me this morning to ask what time my break is and informed me that she's going to lasalle this afternoon. We were having algebra at that time and I was in the middle of answering a mathematical problem. My phone vibrated inside my bag and I can't fight the urge to read the message. I was surprised to see her name and my heart did a little flip when I read her message. I read it again to make sure that it was what it is. I got excited but I said to myself, "I just hope she isn't kidding me."

At lunchbreak, I texted her again. She said she was gonna leave manila at 12:30. Twelve thirty? Thirty in front of a twelve??? She has got to be kidding me. 12:30pm. She's not gonna make it in time before my next class. I computed for her travel time and decided that maybe she can make it in time before 3pm..so I waited for her...

1:00..

1:30..

where the hell is she??

2:00..

still not here..

2:30...

okay, so maybe she can't make it after all..

2:41...She's here! OMG..She's really here. I can't believe it! I stood up, walked half-way through her and instinctively gave her a quick hug and sway. Yup, that's the way we hug..we sway sidewards while hugging. I dunno, but it just happens whenever I hug her, we do a little sway. Anyway, she was with Raissa (our former classmate) and Fides. We didn't really talk that much not because we've got nothing to talk about or because of the fact that I have a TheoFun class in less than 20mins...I dunno..It's just so weird that she's finally here in front of me. After all those months.. I can't think of anything to say (which is SO not like me because I used to talk so much when I'm with her) so I just mentioned about the new renovations in the school (yeah, I really suck at starting conversations, as a matter of fact, senseless conversations is my expertise..kidding). Anyway, I asked her about school..those kind of stuff..i complained about my school and my stupid uncomfortable uniform and my dull professors. She told me about her most difficult subject which is math. Well it must be true because she's pretty good at math. Definitely better than me. Hehe..

4 minutes before three, I took the initiative to proceed to my next class (which really sucks because i really have so much more to tell her!). The farewell wasn't dramatic because i know that I'm still gonna see her. Her house is like..25 steps away from mine. Plus, it's her semestral break (I think). When i arrived at my next class, the prof still isn't there. As a matter of fact, we had to wait for her for 1 1/2 hours only to hear that the class has been cancelled!!! Damn. I shouldn't have gone there and I should've spent more time with camille instead. Oh well, what else can I do..she already went home by the time I told her that I was dismissed early.

But I'm still totally, utterly and undeniably happy to finally see her again... It made my day complete and it was something that i really looked forward to.

I hate PE

Not feeling well today. Terrible backache. Stiff neck. Sore throat.

We had our PE class yesterday and I was sooo wasted after that. We did kickboxing...and I tell you, IT IS NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK IT IS! It looks like fun when we watched it in our film viewing last week. The 'kickboxers' look like they're having so much fun. Anyway, the routine was so long. At first it was fun, but as we go on to the routine, I felt like I was gonna die. It starts with basic punches and kicks but as the routine progresses, the steps become more and more complex. Different weird combinations were made and the beat of the song was fast. As I was watching the demonstrations on the last part of the routine, I was like: "You gotta be kidding me!" and "No way! I'm not doing it!"...But what can I do? If I chose not to participate, my prof's gonna kick me out of her class. I was really gasping for breaths and I felt like I was gonna collapse any minute. We were supposed to memorize it because we're going to have a bloody practical exam next Tuesday. Shit. After the class, my face was red and my PE shirt was wet with sweat. My hair is sticky and smells like..like..I can't even describe it. Let's just say it's smells like a mixture of shampoo, hair cuticle and sweat! At that time, I really wanted to go home and take a bath but my next class is freaking chemistry. To be honest, at that time I really felt like cutting classes.

After 3 hours of hell in PE class, chemistry was next. If PE drained my whole energy, then chemistry drained my brain. Yup, I'm officially wasted! My chem prof kept on talking about ionization energy and electron affinity but I can't exactly process what he's saying. I thought he was speaking in Chinese! His lips keep moving but all I hear is blah, blah, blah... Good thing he has his powerpoint presentation so I spent the whole period copying because that's the only thing that I'm capable of at that time. My mind can't function well due to exhaustion.

When I came home, i fought the urge of lying in my bed because if I did, I would immediately fall asleep and probably end up waking next morning..so I quickly finished all my assignments first, did my usual routine before sleeping and went to sleep. I skipped dinner because I wasn't hungry.

The next morning (this morning) was the worst part. I found it hard to get up because I have a terrible backache. It was difficult to take a bath because I can't move my arms very well. I felt as if I were beaten my 5 men. I suddenly remembered my mild dextroscoliosis. I got worried that my spinal column got even worse. I hope not because i don't want to wear a body brace (I know I'm gonna look stupid in that!). Stupid PE!!! If taking a bath was difficult, then going to school was even more difficult. I have to bring my thick college algebra book with me and it's as is I'm carrying another person in my bag. The elevator wasn't fuctioning so I had to use the stairs. My room is in MB501..it's in the bloody 5th floor. I was near tears when I reached our classroom. I felt like i just went hiking on Mt. Himalayas...

I hate PE..

My back still aches up to now...

Anyway, gotta go..I still have to finish reading in TheoFun. Ciao!

Tears of God

(the rain on my windowpane)

"Ate Analyn, bakit ba nagkakaroon ng ulan? Saan yun galing?"

That was my question to my nanny almost 10 years ago. Why does it rain? Where does it come from? It was raining hard outside and i can't sleep(I was supposed to be having my siesta). At that time, my nanny was sorting out the laundry. She thought about my question for a while, and then answered:

"E kasi umiiyak ang Diyos. Yung luha nya, yun yung ulan."

I was struck by her answer. I imagined the scenario in my head. I wasn't convinced by her answer so I asked another question:

"Bakit siya umiiyak?"

"E kasi maraming bad. Pag maraming bad, nalulungkot siya"

"E bakit ang dami-daming tubig-ulan? Ganun kadami ang iyak ni God?"

"E kasi nga, Diyos siya. Pag Diyos ka, ganun talaga. Malaki siya e."

I didn't bother to ask her how she knew how big God was because I can see that she's already loosing her patience on me. As a child, I was always fond of asking so many questions. Anyway, I was supposed to be having my siesta so i stopped asking questions about the rain. I was convinced by her answer anyway. I was still so young back then and I believed in everything that the adults say. Whenever my classmates ask me the same question, I would give them my nanny's answer and they, too, would believe in it.

I believed at this reasoning for many years of my childhood and it wasn't until I entered 3rd grade that I found a more logical reason for this phenomena. We were then studying the different kinds of clouds. The cumulous clouds are the ones that appear nearest to earth and they are also the ones that bring rain. The clouds keep the rain and when the rain is too much for them to carry, they release it in form of rain or snow. At that time I replaced the idea that the rain are God's tears because there is a more scientific reason than that. Besides, how can you explain snow? Is it also a form of God's tears? The thought of snow coming out of God's eyes made me laugh.

Come 6th grade and I had an even more scientific reason for the occurrence of the rain. We were studying the water cycle of the earth. The water from the oceans evaporate and turn into very tiny droplets of water or water vapors. Those tiny droplets of water accumulate to form clouds. When clouds become very heavy and there are too much water for the clouds to bear, it falls in the form of rain. The process is called Precipitation. The rain falls back on the earth (some of them become ground waters) and water flows back to the oceans. The cycle repeats itself. Now that's a more logical approach! A bit complicated, but more reasonable. The idea that the rain are God's tears was a myth.

Okay, so now that the question is answered, I've no more doubts about it...but not until I was in Level 10 when I started to teach public school children on our CARE program (CARE stands for Cathechethical and Religious Emissaries). CARE is a requirement for all Level 10 students and it is a part of our Christian Living subject in La Salle. Anyway, I was done teaching the parable of the prodigal son to some 3rd grade students at Cumba Elementary School. We still had a couple of minutes left before i dismiss them so I allowed my students to go and play outside. I also agreed to play with them. The minute I said that, it started to rain. I saw in my students' faces a hint of dissapointment. They were so looking forward to play "jerbase(?)" with me so I decided to ask them a question, the same quetion that I asked 10 years ago to my nanny: "Bakit kaya umuulan? Saan nanggagaling ang ulan?"

The class became quiet, then a little boy raised his hand, stood up and answered with so much confidence:

"Galing po yun kay God. Umiiyak siya para magkaroon ng ulan kasi po mahal niya tayo."

There was it again..God's tears in form of rain. Once again, I was surprised by that answer but this time, I was surprised in a different way. I was about to disagree with him and tell him about the water cycle, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw a chart with illustrations about the different kinds of clouds. They were already studying the clouds so how come this boy gave me this answer? I decided to skip the lecture about the water cycle because I was too curious to know more about what's inside his head. To tell you the truth, I was touched by the answer because it came from the heart of a little boy who was just probably 6 or 7 years old. I gave him a follow-up question (but not the same follow-up question that I gave my nanny):
"Bakit ganun? Sa tingin mo, paano naging sign ng pagmamahal ang pag-iyak para umulan?"

I thought that the question was too much for a little boy. I thought that it will take him some time to answer my question. I was surprised for his quick response:

"Umiiyak siya para magkaroon ng ulan kasi mahal niya po tayo. Pag umuulan, nadidiligan ang mga halaman at nakakaligo ang mga kalabaw. Nagkakaroon tayo ng maraming tubig para magamit para maligo at mag-toothbrush. Pag walang ulan, hindi tayo mabubuhay"

I was speechless. His answer was so simple (unlike the lecture about the water cycle and the clouds). It gave me a new realization and a new perspective on life. The rain really does come from God. As a matter of fact, every phenomenon that occurs in nature all come from God. What happened to the part about the water cycle? It is still (and forever will be) a general truth, but I guess it is also just a part of God's brilliant plan for his creations. Every single thing that happens here on earth happens for a reason..just like the rain. Right? ...The dismissal bell rang.. The boy was still standing, probably waiting for my response, so I told the class:

"Oo nga, tama siya. Tsaka isipin nyo na lang, kung walang ulan, e di hindi natin makikita ang ganda ng rainbow, di ba?"

The boy, quite contented and proud of what he did, sat down with a smile on his face. I ended our class, said goodbye and left the room. It was still raining outside but our adult leader fetched me with an umbrella and walked with me to our vehicle. I went back to our school with an amazing new perspective that came from an innocent little boy. I just hope that when this little boy reaches the 6th grade and learns about the water cycle, he doesn't lose this idea about God's tears in form of rain.

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. 'Coz without the rain, there would be no rainbow.."

-Jerry Chin

Pampadami lang..hehe

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago? Hmm..I would be 6 years old. Umm..I dunno, I guess I'm at home playing..or sleeping..

2. What are the 5 things on my to-do list today?

Make a status report and academic concerns report for our class (just a draft), Finish pages 44-46, experiment 6 on my ChemLab manual, Read Love in the time of Cholera, attend Mass(anticipated mass), make to-do list for tomorrow ^.^

3. Snacks I enjoy:

Ice cream (preferably Hazelnut-Brownie or Cookies 'n Cream), Pringles, Mojos & Cream Puffs

4. Place where I live:

Batangas...Ala Eh!!

5. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire

Travel the world, buy lots of clothes and gadgets, send myself to medical school abroad (heehee) and have my own car..

Confessions of a Frustrated, (trying hard-to-be-normal) N.E.R.D.

Okay, now I'm gonna talk about the topic that I hate. Yung topic na buong buhay ko nang iniiwasan at itinatago....Namnamin nyo 'to dahil once in a lifetime lang ito..Hindi na mauulit muli...

NERD--nakakaasar ang word na yan. Parang ang baduy ng ibig sabihin at ang sakit matawag na ganyan. Pero kahit na ilang beses kong sabihin na hindi ako ganyan, ipinagpipilitan pa rin ng iba na isa akong certified nerd at medyo natatamaan pa rin talaga ako. Medyo lang ha! Hindi naman kasi ako yung tipong aral nang aral na hindi na nasisikatan ng araw. Hindi rin ako yung tipong lahat ng sinasabi ay may references sa almanac, encyclopedia o quotation from a famous person. At lalong hindi ako yung nerd na nagsusuot ng pantalon na nasa dibdib na yung waistline sa sobrang kataasan at nagsusuot ng salamin na 1 inch ang kapal ng frame at 1 million ang grado ng lens (180 lang ang grado ko) at mala-einstein ang buhok at puro braces ang bibig (for one thing, wala akong braces!). I guess I'm a normal type of geek. Geek/Nerd in the sense na grade-conscious. I have lived with that title for more that half of my life. Mejo naiinis na nga ako jan e, sa totoo lang talaga. Gusto ko na rin magbago.

Nung unang araw pa lang ng klase, sabi ko sa sarili ko: "College na! Easy-easy na lang ako. Goodbye na sa pagiging nerdy-braniac cream student. Wala nang cream class e. Less pressure, zero competition." Akala ko kaya ko. Akala ko madali. mahirap din palang baguhin ang nakasanayan mo nang routine simula nung bata ka pa. I thought I can live a carefree college life. Yung bang tipong papasok ka na walang alam, incomplete assignment at aasa na lang sa kung anong mangyayari sa araw na ito. Xet, hindi ko ata kaya. The mere thought of going to class unprepared and knowing that you haven't studied for a long quiz makes my stomach turn upside-down! Actually, I've tried it na. I can't describe the feeling. Parang natatae ka na nasusuka na nahihilo pag naririnig mo ang bell at pumapasok na sa room yung prof mo. Anything can happen ika nga. Ang sama sa pakiramdam. Pinagpapawisan ako ng malamig! Hindi lang ako sanay. Pero natanong ko din ang sarili ko, bakit ang ate ko na minsan ko lang nakitang mag-aral e parang walang kaproble-problema sa buhay samantalang ako na paranoid lagi na may nakalimutang assignment ay parang wasted na wasted araw-araw??? Attitude lang ba talaga nya yun at natural na sa kanya o deep inside ay namomroblema na din xa?

Anyway, highschool pa lang ako, gusto ko nang takasan ang sitwasyong ito. I wanna free myself from all the pressures and high expectations that I get from other people. Yes, it's great to be called "matalino" and a straight A student. Masarap ang feeling na makita ang pangalan mo na nasa itaas ng honor list at masarap din mapabilang sa top class taun-taon. Pero parang ang laki ng kapalit. Ano 'tong kapalit na 'to? Well, yun lang naman e ang ma-stranded ka sa buhay na puro aral para mapatunayan mo ang sarili mo at ang palaging maabot ang expectations ng mga tao lalo na ng nanay mo at mga kamag-anak. Mahirap din pala ang pinasok kong buhay. Yung tipo ng buhay na hindi ka pwedeng magpabaya sa grades mo dahil baka kung anong sabihin ng ibang tao. Siguro yung iba sa inyo sasabihin na hindi naman importante ang mga sinasabi ng ibang tao, pero trust me, it does matter. It matters a lot. Hindi pwedeng hindi ka maaapektuhan sa mga sinasabi nila, kahit konti lang.

Dati kasi, isa sa mga pinakakinatatakutan ko ay ang mawala sa cream class next school year kaya pinagbubutihan ko. Ayoko ngang malaglag! Baka kasi pag napalipat ako ng ibang section, itanong kung saang section ako galing last year. Pag sinabi kong galing cream, baka itanong kung bakit ako nawala dun. Masakit din un a. Maliban na lang kung talagang sukang-suka ka nang makabilang sa cream section. Pero ngayong college, parang ganun ulit. Nung unang weeks ng klase, hirap na hirap ako. Una dahil wala akong ibang kakilala na mga kabatch ko. Konti lang. Tapos, palaging pinagdidiinan nung ibang IS na galing akong cream kaya ivinovolunteer nila ako lagi. Feeling ko tuloy lagi, obligado akong maglider-lideran. Nakakapagod din minsan yun no! Feeling ko gabi gabi na lang ako may ginagawang report e!

Ang sakit din minsan kasi ang daming connotation sa pagiging "cream." Ano-ano yun? Boring daw, seryoso, nosebleed pag nagsalita, mayabang, rule abiding citizens to the highest level, control freak(huh?!), super competitive, zero v, tahimik(god, this is so funny..kung sino mang nagsabi nito e hindi pa nakakapasok sa classroom namin), manang (at manong?), grade conscious(mejo) at ang pinakamasakit..hindi raw tao. Minsan, narinig ko ang dalawang babae na naguusap sa cr pagkatapos ng NCAE namin:

Girl 1: Ang hirap ng NCAE! lalo na yung entrepreneurial skills! Xet!
Girl 2: Oo nga..nangamote ako! Pero sabi nung kaservice kong cream, okay lang daw.
Girl 1: Hahaha..Xempre yun ang reaction nila. Cream e. Hindi naman tao yung mga yun.
Girl 2: Oo nga, ano kayang kinakain ng mga yun. Beyond normal na e. Utak na tinubuan ng katawan..
(nagtawanan ang dalawang bruha..)

Nung mga panahong yun, inaayos ko ang pagkaka tuck-in ng sando ko. Napatigil ako dun. Mejo natawa. Pero nasaktan din ako. Kung hindi kami tao, ano kami? Hayop, halaman? At ung statement na beyond normal..HELLO??? Kumusta naman un? At xempre, ang pinakanakapukaw sa aking atensyon, ang pagiging "utak na tinubuan ng katawan" namin. Yuck ha! kadiri naman..Well anyway, what I'm really trying to point out is that we're also like everybody else. Teenager din naman kami. Mahilig gumimik, marami ding kalokohang ginagawa at higit sa lahat, totoong tao. Diber?

Anyway, masaya sa cream class. Mahirap nga lang minsan. Pero ngayong desidido na akong maging "normal" na tao, saka naman ako lalong namotivate mag-aral. Bakit? Hmm..secret! Haha..Saka na ang chismisan. Parang inuulit ko nanaman ang cream days ko. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang, I'm no longer with the rest of the "gang."

Haay, ang chaka! Parang there's no other choice but to stick to what you've been used to. Nagbago nga ang environment, pero ang attitude, hindi. Kanina, nagpunta ako sa mga lola ko (sa mother's side) tapos sabi ni Ate Pepay, "Aba, himala! Laumabas si Mara! Bakit, wala kang pinagaaralan?" Ayoko ng lagi akong ginaganon. Gusto ko, tratuhin ako gaya nga pagtrato sa iba. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng maraming papuri e. I've had enough of that. Too much, actually. Oo, masarap ang feeling ng napapalakpakan pag highest ka sa exam. Pero mahirap din naman yung yun lang ang tingin nilang lahat sa'yo. E pano pag may bagsak ako? Imbis na gumaan yung loob ko e lalong sasama dahil sa comments nila. Sa totoo lang, kahit hindi ako nakakarinig ng isang salita, alam ko kung anong reaction ng iba. Tulad nung 74% ko sa quiz sa TheoFun (anak ng tokwa naman kasi e, hindi pa ako ipinasa!). I felt bad hindi dahil dun sa grade mismo(well, just a little bit) kundi dahil sa reaction ng iba. May nagtanong kasi na kaklase kung anong nangyari. Sabi ko nahirapan ako. Sabi nya "owwws? ikaw? nahirapan?" Sabi ko na lang hindi kasi ako nakapag-aral ng ayos dahil sa PE. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na "Bakit, wala na ba akong karapatang bumagsak?" Ayoko lang kasi talaga ng may mga nagrereact nga ganyan kapag may mababa akong grade. It makes the feeling worse! But I guess hindi na nila yan mapipigilan. Ewan ko ba!

Anyway, yan ang aking mga dinaramdam sa buhay. Isa yan sa mga enigma ko. Gusto ko nang maging easy-go-lucky pero hindi ko naman kaya! I guess I'll be like this forever. Hanggang sa paglaki ko, madadala ko na to. Sana lang hindi na ako kasing paranoid ngayon pag laki ko. As of now, I'll just be contented of who I am and what I can be. I don't have to force myself to become somebody else.

O xa, napahaba na itong blog entry ko. Ang sarap pala ng feeling na mailabas mo ung matagal mo nang tinatago. Till here na lang. Inaantok na din me...*yawn*

Till next time!

I need to put dots in my life

Last Song Syndrome:
Why do birds fall down from the sky everytime you walk by...
Just like me, they long to be close to you.

Yup. The Carpenters pa rin

But now listening to:
Charmed Life-Leigh Nash

That's because I just watched "Uptown Girls" on dvd.

^^^

I knew there was something wrong with this day the moment I woke up.

It wasn't bright and shiny. I tried thinking of the faces that will soon greet me in school later on. Perked up a little bit, pero wala padin eh.

I just felt like something was wrong. Something was missing.

On the way to school, I kept on changing the songs in my phone. Which is uncommon, because I usually finish the song before changing to the next track. Ngayon wala pang kalahati kroo na kagad. It just felt different.

The feeling became stronger during the first period. Comski1 time. I couldn't think properly. And then the feeling grew when the prof started to give out out test papers..My grade was fine. Fine doesn't mean excellent. Well, let's just say it's really not the kind of grade that I usually got way back when I was in IS. But I can deal with that.

Okay. So things didn't go out very well during TheoFun. The test papers were given and I got lucky. A grade of 97 is quite satisfying. But to tell you the truth, I was kinda dissapointed after taking the test in TheoFun. The test was way too easy!!! I worked my freakin ass off so that I can fully understand that subject. Every single sentence that I've memorized weren't even included in the test. So much for the late night cramming! Hmp!Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

FiliOne time! Well it wasn't that bad. My involvement in the singing contest paid off because our teacher generously gave the participants an additional 5% in the midterm exams. My grades were pulled to a 96. I was really happy. Just last week, I was so dissapointed after taking the exam. The test was way too difficult. I felt that all those times that I was answering that godforsaken test, I was only relying on pure luck. I worked my ass off the night before the test just so I can finish the lessons in FiliOne which is two inches thick!! Quite exaggerated? Hell no! I wish I was kidding when I said that. But I really thought that I was doomed in Filipino. Hey, maybe I can get a job as a fortuneteller. Ang galing ko palang manghula! Haha..

The day drifted by. OK naman somehow. Alam mo yun. The feeling just disappeared because it was covered by all the laughing and the noise.

Word of the day: nojiko no misuki (the name of the food I ate at lunch today).

Come CWTS time..it's my last subject of the day. Well, I don't really consider it as a subjects nowadays. Why? Let's just say I really don't get it. All we study at this course is time management, how to be effective individuals, having a good self-image, patriotism, blah, blah, blah, fret, fret, fret...YAWN... I don't get it! Why do we have to study those things anyway. Like for example, having a good self-image. We discussed the topic for like 3 hours straight! I was already fighting the urge to sleep. The thing is, self-image is not something that you have to learn from your professor in a classroom setting. It's something that is not supposed to be imposed in the minds of students. You are the only person on earth who can mold your own self image.

Dismissal time. Wala na. Space. Out.

On the way home, I received a text message from HIM. I read it. Pause. Pause. Pause.

It took me a minute to process the message completely. It was open-ended..putol ung message nya. Anu yun, fill in the blanks??

I am anxious. What could this be about?

^^^

On the contrary though. I know what I'm feeling. But I don't know for certain why I'm feeling that way.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm confused. I am hurt.

I'm confused. And really hurt.

I'm scared because this whole thing that I'm dealing with may never end. May never have a period. Puro comma. Walang period. Kahit exclamation point tatanggapin ko.

And then the other thing. If I leave, the feeling follows me. When I'm there, I lose all interest.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Grabe.

Is there no way to hide how I feel? Or no way to show how I feel? Why can't I release this feeling(whatever it is!). My life used to be an open book (well, that way way too long ago). Now, I'm nothing but a secretive wreck.

We are free in this world.

But hell man. I don't even know what I'm doing with my freedom.

Too much happened. Time to go. Time to move on. Pero ang hirap eh. You can't work on things alone.

That's it. I need farrreaking closure. But not to end things completely. Just to begin a fresh new chapter

YOU NEED TO PUT THE DOT IN THIS PARAGRAPH-LONG SENTENCE!

Dear Mom

Dearest Mom,

Adolescence is a very critical period in a person's life. It isn't easy, you know. Specially when you try to make it so difficult (peace!). Anyway, this letter isn't only for my mom. This is also for the other mom's out there with daughters whose ages range from 12-18.

Let us have our dramas. Teenage years are emotional years--and a confusing one at that. We're not quite kids, but we're not yet grown-ups either, so when I come home with a problem, no matter how silly it may seem, if we say it's a big deal, believe us, IT'S A BIG DEAL. Sometimes we won't talk because we don't think you'd understand. Sometimes, we just need you to listen. Other times we just need you to put our world back together with ice cream instead of I-told-you-so's. Try to put yourself in our shoes if you can't take us shoe shopping.

Let us have our dreams. Right now, we want to be rock stars, models, actresses, not for the fortune, but for the fame. We still know what it means to reach for the stars and dream big. We can't quite grasp the idea of "settle" yet. Let the world teach us that someday. For now, president, Olympic gold medalist, supermodel, you name it, we can still become it!

Let us know we're beautiful. We learn what's beautiful from celebs, boys-and you. Even before we knew who Ashley Tisdale is, we wanted to look like you. But you're not too happy with the way you look so we started wondering, if you're not pretty like we thought you we're, maybe we're not pretty either. It's hard enough not to be the "crush" of our "crush," but if you don't tell us that we're beautiful, then someone else might tell us we're not--and we'll believe them. We'll change for them, try to be more like them, and compromise who we are just so we could be beautiful for them. And once our self-image is shattered, it's so hard to put back together again. So come on mom, say it, even on-especially on-days is not even close to being Vanessa-Hudgens-like: "You're beautiful."

We're like you but we're different. I look a lot like you, I learned a lot from you, people often say I'm a mini version of you-but mom, I'm not you. I have my own interests, opinions and even values-sometimes they're just like yours but sometimes they're not. Differences don't have to be all bad right? You and I can have our disagreements like what I should wear, who I should listen to, and what will make me happy in life-but we can still be friends. You may hate my music, my friends, my choices, but they are my choices for a reason. Talk to me, find out why I think such and such is the coolest thing on earth, or why I like going to the mall with my pals on a school night, just this once. You don't always have to say yes--you're still my mom--but first, hear me out before you say no. All I need from you is respect. Respect that I'm an individual. Respect that I'm growing up to be the person I want to be. You may not always understand me, but I'll be forever grateful if you try.

(inspired by an article by Shiloah Matic)

B.O.R.E.D. and missing someone.....

This day is soooo Bo-o-o-ooring!!!! Katatapos lang ng midterms, I have a lot of free time and yet I can't think of anything fun to do. There's nobody to hang out with. My sister still has a test, my cousins are all in school, my friends (I don't know where they are), and my mom's at work. This morning, I was planning to spend this day reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez' book "Love in the time of Cholera" because it's our requirement after midterms (I think we're supposed to make a book review), but I can't get myself to read! I'm not usually this lazy when it comesto reading. It's just that the last time I've read the book (I think I was already in page 144 or 154??) was like a month or two ago! At that time I don't have much time to read because I was busy. But now that I've got all the time in the world, I seem to lose the interest. I can't even remember what bloody page I'm at. I already forgot the story so I guess I have to read it all over again!

Anyway, today is the birthday of one of my closest pal/cousin, Camille. I f*cking miss that girl so much! The last time I saw her was last vacation. She's now studying in Manila and doesn't go home here in Batangas quite often. I really miss being with her. I am not used to go to school without her. She's like my buddy and now I feel that a part of me is missing. She seems a million lightyears away (but we still find time to communicate thru texts and IMs, although it isn't quite that often since we're both busy). I just miss her sooooo much. Life isn't the same without her..

(This photo was taken during the school fair..I think this was a stolen shot.
Camille is the one wearing stripes.)

Just look at the brighter side..

Okay, twas a long time since my last blog entry! Where to start?
Oh, midterms!!! I just had my midterm exams.. so now, I'm free as a bird! Finally! Haha.. Anyway, the exam was okay..okay doesn't mean difficult, but it doesn't mean that it's easy either. There were easy ones like math and TheoFun, but there were also bloody ones like FiliOne (why the hell do we still take that freakin' subject, marunong naman tayo mag-Filipino!?!), RelEd and GenPsych. Well, FiliOne really absorbed all my energy last night. I stayed up until 2.30 am to finish that damn subject. I thought that it was enough, but the test was just so damn crazy!!

I can really feel college life now. I can feel the freedom, the excitement, the difficulty, the pressures! College is not a bed of roses, you know! But surprisingly, I don't feel that much bitter right now (at first I feel really bad about my college life). As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying every single minute of it, even my late night cramming.

I mentioned above that I feel "bitter" about college. It's because I feel left out by my friends. They are all in manila while i'm left here in Batangas. Last year, I was dying to go to UP Manila!! I saw my name on the list of UPCAT passers and got a letter of acceptance. At that very moment, I was sure that I'll be studying in UP manila next school year..but unfortunately, my mom never allowed me to study there so I stayed here and took up nursing instead. I was heartbroken because of that. Nursing in De La Salle Lipa wasn't quite what I expected for my college years. Actually, I really don't mind living in a creepy old claustrophobic dorm and working my ass off when I study in UP. As long as I'm free and independent in a university that's not in Batangas, I'll be happy. Well, that was before. I might as well forget about it..'coz this is my life now...

I'm still in the process of fitting in and finding my place in DLSL, but as of now, I'm totally, completely and absolutely happy of where I am now. College is not so bad after all. The knotty feeling in my stomach everytime I go to my first class in the morning was finally gone. I guess it's just my destiny that I ended up studying here. I may not be like my other friends who seem to be totally enjoying their independence in other universities, but at least I also get to have a world of my own here. They say it's fun to be away from your home because you get to taste freedom, experience a totally different world, and meet new people. Yeah..good ol' freedom indeed! But staying isn't a hindrance to live a life like that. I also have my own freedom now, I experience a totally different world (yeah, definitely!) and most of all, I met really great people. I belong to block 3 (or block c) and my blockmates are awesome!! My new friends are a lot different from the friends that I used to hang-out with back in high school. They're free-spirited, carefree, fun and "crazy-beautiful" people. Sometimes, we get a little bit "over-the-fence" when it comes to having fun but it's okay because they gave me a whole new experience and perspective in life. Back in high school, my days were spent with assignments, projects, and never ending quizzes. I belong to the top class and I was afraid to be left out so I work hard. But now, there is no more top class. Everyone is arranged randomly so there's no need for me to cope up with others so that's another way of being free. Free from competitions, free from high expectations and most of all, free from quick judgments. But that doesn't mean that I don't work hard anymore because
like what I've said, college is not a bed of roses. As a matter of fact, I work harder. Nursing can be so "toxic" sometimes (I always use that expression nowadays..TOXIC!!).

Well I guess this is just the brighter side of not having the chance to be a centennial freshman at UP (even though I still feel frustrated up to now). Every event in our life, may it be good or bad, has a purpose. We just have to look at the brighter side of everything. ^_^

Just updating

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activities. I had a couple of "first times" actually. One is my first time to join a singing competition (wow! my heart still does a little flip whenever i mention that!). Yes..a 100% real singing competition! I'm happy to say that this time..I'm not even kidding! (Ok, OA na..haha) It's just that I still can't believe that someone like me who has zero talent when it comes to performing on-stage has been given a chance to sing a piece by David Cook. Well, it's not actually a song by david cook, it was just based from his song "always be my baby." The fun part is that the song was translated in Filipino. Surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty damn good! Haha.....Ok, confession time! I wasn't singing alone, we were a group...but it can still be considered as my debut performance. LOL! Unfortunately, we didn't win the contest (even though I thought we were so good and I expected that we would bag the 2nd place).. but it's okay because it was worth the shot. But the best part is that some people actually thought I sang very well!!! And believe me, they're not just saying that to boost my confidence because I can feel that they actaully mean it. Can you believe it??? Me??? A good singer??? Get out of here! Haha.. So anyway, here's the lyrics of the song (I don't have the copy w/ me while i'm typing this bec. i can still remember every word):

Tayo'y naging isa
Sa sandaling panahon
Akala ko'y di magwawakas
Na ikaw ay akin lang
Gusto mong lumayo
Hahayaan kita
Dahil alam ko sa puso ko
Pag-ibig nati'y di magwawakas

Mananatili ka sa buhay ko
At ganun din ako sa iyo
Di mo ako matatakasan
Dahil ikaw lang ang aking mahal
At maglalagi
Di mabubura damdaming ito
Di mo ako mapapasuko
O, dahil ikaw lang ang aking mahal

Di ako iiyak
Di kita pipigilan
Kung gusto mong lumayo
Di ako tututol sa iyo
Sigurado akong magbabalik ka din
Dahil alam ko sa puso mo
Pag-ibig nati'y di magwawakas

Mananatili ka sa buhay ko
At ganun din ako sa iyo
Di mo ako matatakasan
Dahil ikaw lang ang aking mahal
At maglalagi
Di mabubura damdaming ito
Di mo ako mapapasuko
O, dahil ikaw lang ang aking mahal

Okay, so my second "first time" is my failure in PE class. Yes, I wrote it down correctly..I failed a practical exam in PE class. Weird, huh? Some kids get A's in PE..and i'm definitely not one of them. What can I say?? I suck at PE. I'm not much of a dancer, let alone an athlete. I was shocked for about two minutes, and then after that, my life went back to normal again (it is very unlikely for me to recover fast after receiving a failing grade in any subject). So what? It's only P.E. class for god's sake! 2 units (not that i underestimate 2 units, but let's face it..failure in a 2-unit subject is not something to be suicidal about)! Well, let's admit it, everybody has their own weaknesses. I guess I just have to try my best on out midterms exams next week. Good luck to me!!!!